Rio!

Olá from a super hot and sunny Rio, where the beaches are clean and quiet, the temperature is averaging 28 degrees and the cocktails are strong. Apologies to those who were expecting more frequent updates from Brazil, but unfortunately I have been far too busy to get to a computer. Firstly I have to go to the beach, then have a cheeky afternoon cocktail (on the beach) before my third swim of the day and returning for a 5pm siesta. After that, it´s been a pretty much non-stop party, with the beach-swim-read-cocktail-beach-sleep-party cycle repeated. A hard life, I know. A couple of days ago Jake and I broke the routine and went for a walk in Lapa, to check out the famous escadaria Selón and have a cerveja in the sun. Maximum walk time was about 90 minutes, but we still needed a full day on the beach yesterday to fully recover from the exertion. Today we climbed up to see Christo Redemptor (about 100 stairs) and will certainly be taking it easy on the Copacabana tomorrow.

The unfortunate downside of spending almost a full week lying in the sun is that I have hardly anything of interest to say. It is probably unsurprising how stunning Rio is, with dramatic mountains on either side of clear waters and golden sand. The caiprinhas are what it´s really all about though, along with coconut water drank straight from the fruit or exotic tropical smoothies. Beach etiquette is very important here - all the women (and some men) wear the titchiest bikinis imaginable, but going topless is frowned upon (possibly even illegal...??) While the men wear small, tight rectangular speedos, the rule for the women is the further up your arse the better, with nipple-sized triangles of fabric strung across their top halves. I was intending to purchase a swimsuit here, but as this is all that´s on offer (and they don´t really have different sizes, as the more flesh on show the better), I was concerned that there is literally no other beach in the world I could ever legally wear such an ensemble, and also that my brother would vomit on me. Additionally, my tan is still in its infancy, and you really need to be bronzed to pull off such exposure. Thankfully Jake smuggled in some Dove holiday glow, so whatever happens here, I will be returning to the UK browner than when I left! The boys have mastered the ´stan-tan´ where all over colour is achieved, whilst simultaneously checking out the girls (see photo!)

Portuguese has only a fleeting similarity to Spanish - numbers are pretty universal, but otherwise my efforts in Buenos Aires have been entirely in vain, and so I´m back on the sign language. I have also returned to my pre-trip level of attractiveness, and can now walk along the street (or beach) harrassment-free. Not even I can compete with the rock hard, tanned bodies on display in microscopic swimwear! Jake is proving to be a big hit with las chicas though, and is making full use of the protection provided by his hepatitis booster.We went to a party in one of the flavellas at the weekend, and he managed to make the salsa-drum&bass-brazil funk music (not a genre I´ll be adding to my iPod!) his own. Even some Brazilian guys came over to ask where he got his moves (I was so incredulous that I was certain they were going to rob him!) Chat-up of the year has to be a Brazilian guy in one of the juice bars trying his luck with a French girl, silently, via pointing to phrases within her phrase book. Each point received a violent shake of the head, or emphatic ´non´, so I don´t think that approach is to be adopted. In the words of Stroud´s answer to Casanova, ´speaking to girls out here is pointless - I let my moves do the talking!´

On that note, it´s definitely past cocktail o clock, so chau for now!